MAGA
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
Why do hockey players wear so many pads?
Because they have 3 periods a game.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise…" "Ah! So sorry everyone," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
I just called the tinnitus hotline…
It wouldn't stop ringing!
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat Iβve ever had
I began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure theyβre not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
A dwarf was pickpocketed recently.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
You know what really makes my day…
The rotation of the earth
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, βThe end is near!!β Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
My girlfriend asked to do a 69
I said "whatβs that?" she said "lay down an Iβll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "Iβm off, Iβm fucked if Iβm hanging around for another 67 of them"
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
Heβs all right now
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!
Did you hear about the fugitive’s wife?
She was a runaway bride
I know many jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work
Whats the story with the building?
I've heard there is 8 stories.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know itβs stupid but cβmon
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.