A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
A dog sleepwalks into a bar . . .
He tells the bartender “ZZZ I’m a cat ZZZ I’m a cat”. The bartender says “Yes sir you are.” The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says “Why did you agree with him? That dog’s not a cat!!” The bartender replies, “Sometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.”
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?" "Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
How do you introduce a hamburger?
“meet patty”
What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?
8 pirates
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants…
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
German, Englishman, and Irishman
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "As it is my first wife's birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, "Please tie two pillows to my back." This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Irishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with admiration. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?" And the Irishman said, "Tie the Englishman to my back."
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep
Not screaming like the people in the back of his car.
Biker joke
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that…" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this…" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
Son : “Why is the food so cold and bland?”
Dad : "Because your mother put her heart and soul into it."
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Guess who stopped smoking this morning?
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
but when I do, he laughs.