Magician: “For this trick I’m gonna dissapear”
What do you call bears with no teeth?
Gummy bears.
Where do sasquatches live?
Sasquatchewan!
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
The creator of mad libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light bulb.
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
My wife embarrased me by ordering a racially insensitive drink at Starbucks today…
She ordered a Black coffee, I quickly apologized to the barista and said, "I'm sorry she meant to say an African Americano."
[On the highway] My wife: Hey, you missed a right!
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
Three men go to hell and they’re pissed
“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.” Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with” The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard. The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says. Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The boulder immediately splits in half. “Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.” Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?” The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position. “Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with “I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.” “Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright. Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!” CRACK Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?” The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”
One good thing came from Corona. I got gas for a 1.39 today.
Unfortunately it was from taco bell
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
What’s the least spoken language?
Sign language.
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
There are two types of people. People who need closure
No text found
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife
She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
Roses are red,
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
Do you want to hear a mean joke?
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left. The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".
