Magician: “For this trick I’m gonna dissapear”
But I can see where you are coming from.
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
It is kneadless, to say.
I'll let you know.
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
She ordered a Black coffee, I quickly apologized to the barista and said, "I'm sorry she meant to say an African Americano."
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!
“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.” Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with” The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard. The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says. Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The boulder immediately splits in half. “Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.” Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?” The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position. “Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with “I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.” “Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright. Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!” CRACK Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?” The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”
Unfortunately it was from taco bell
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
They'll get over it.
It was a real slap in the faith
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She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
Because they're not tenants
Do they die hard?
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left. The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".