Magnetic Attraction.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
I got a job grooming police horses
I hate working with the fuzz… But it's a stable job.
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken came in a different box
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
Three men go to hell and they’re pissed
“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.” Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with” The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard. The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says. Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The boulder immediately splits in half. “Aw fuck this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.” Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?” The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position. “Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with “I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.” “Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!” CRACK The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright. Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!” CRACK Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping. The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?” The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
A detective arrives at the scene of a crime and immediately knows what the murder weapon is
It was a brief case Edit: my first silver! Thank you, kind stranger.
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,
“My roof has disappeared”
I wrote an apology in morse code
I call it the remorse code
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
All the indoor fins.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
What did helium say to the balloon?
Lighten up
Little Johnny
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?” The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?” The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: “Listen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.