Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic cursed with halitosis.
A guy’s credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.
Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now? Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife. Cop: Then why are you reporting it now? Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
By the time you realize you’re not in shape
it's too far to walk back.
My sex life is like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms, no dates.
The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
https://ift.tt/3eiMGlz
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?” “
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.
“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response. “A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?” “My wife,” the drunk man answers.
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
Two twins have a race in the morning
One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you' So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
Puns make me numb….
But math puns make me number.
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
The spaghetto.
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. i’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
Nobody gave me a straight answer
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.
You're still using fowl language.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
