Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic cursed with halitosis.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
Ban pre shredded cheese.
Make America grate again!
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster tales for a cent on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?" Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been bought here just today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster…"
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
You can actually nut during November.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
Why are physicists so serious all the time?
They understand the gravity of the situation.
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
A son asks his dad, “Tell me a joke!”
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,
She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
Women are actually turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
When a women is giving birth, she’s literally kidding.
No text found
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Why did the spy cross the road?
He didn't. He was never really on your side.
A priest has a heart attack…
A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being wheeled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.