Make America grate again
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
They are Santa's star bucks
I will never part with this.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the women's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
He was attacked by a giant crab
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Cum on guys.
Do you see what I see?
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
Because she couldn't see that well.
Because they're so damn good at it.
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute… He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“ She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.” So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great. It’s a week before he’s horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says it’s $500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.” So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?” “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? " The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why…
I left my phone in Airplane mode
Yes, we arson.
Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
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But the odds were against them
I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name? Me: “Username-valid ” Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
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At least he likes at least one thing raw.
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
It's the first time they'll see 2020
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes." The knight takes some time to think, he already has a castle, money and a beautiful wive. Then he says: "Make me invulnerable, so I can never lose any battle." The fairy snaps her fingers, and it is done. Then the knight says, "Make my horse invulnerable too, so we both can fearlessly charge into enemy lines." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. The knight needs some time to think again, because he already has everything he could need. After a while, he says, "Make my genitals as big as my horse's." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. Proud and excited he leaves the forest and rides back to his castle, where he finds his squire. The knight hands his sword to the squire and orders him to behead his horse. At first, the squire refuses, saying "I cannot kill your horse, it is the best horse you have ever had, my Lord." When the knight urges him to, the squire swings the sword with all his might and hits the horse on the neck. Nothing happens. "Now hit me", the knight orders and takes off his armor. The squire refuses again, scared, but the knight orders him to. So he hits the knight with the sword on the chest, but again, nothing happens. The squire cannot believe his eyes as all of his attacks have no effect on either horse or knight. "And now take a look at this", the knight proclaims and takes off his pants. Says the squire: "Wow, that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen!" Edit: it's "snaps", not "snips"… TIL 😀
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.
But I can never get a straight answer.