Make America great…
My neighbors listen to awesome music
whether they like it or not.
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I can’t see it taking off.
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
In America, dogs are K9…
In China, dogs are E10.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
Don’t throw a snake like a boomerang.
It'll come back to bite you.
I haven’t had sex in so long
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
I have peaked Dad Jokeness
[Just some context] Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment. When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer." I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"
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After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
Wanna know what gets me down
Stairs
Smoking will kill you, bacon will kill you…
Smoking bacon cures it
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan…
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin…
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
My neighbours listen to great music
Whether they like it or not
Top tier dad joke
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.