Make America Vibrate Again
I was about to play cards after a long day’s work, but I found the aces missing.
I just can’t deal with this any more.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
Which state has the smallest drink?
Minnesota.
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I told my therapist that i am having suicidal thoughts
He now makes me pay in advance
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
I’m getting sick of them
I went to a “Put An End To Sarcasm” meeting.
"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day. I said, "My legs."
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
Donald trump walks into a bar…
And lowers it.
A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with
After the question, the woman doesn't respond. The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?" His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling. The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…" Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says "It's OK. Please don't be upset." Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, "Damn it! You made me lose count!"
A vampire walks into a bar…
A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily. Sooner than later, another vampire enters the establishment and sees his fellow child of darkness happily nursing his glass at the bar. He proceeds to sit next to him and orders the same, to which the bartender obliges and plunks down another large warm glass of blood. Finally a third vampire strolls through the door and walks confidently up to the barkeep and the other vampires. He opens his fanged mouth to speak, but the Barman interrupts him: "Let me guess…" he opines, "One large glass of warm blood?". To his surprise the vampire shakes his head. "Actually, can I have a cup of boiling water please?" The Bartender is confused but is unwilling to question the motives of a vampire, especially a vampire customer and produces the boiling water for his guest. The other vampires, also curious pause their drinking to stare at the new arrival. Sensing their curiosity the vampire simply shrugs, produces a tampon from his pocket and dunks it into the cup. "I'm making tea…"
A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.
He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!" "Open that cup of semen." The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face. He yells, "Do it!" Shivering in fear she grabs the container and opens it. "Now drink it." "But…" He points the gun at her face and she drinks the contents. "Open another." She opens a second container. "Now drink that one." And she does. "And open another one." Confused and scared she opens a third. The gun still pointed at her he demands she continue with the third and she does. The man removes the mask revealing he is the woman's husband and says, "now that wasn't so fucking hard, was it?"
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?
Very little
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night….
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.
“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response. “A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?” “My wife,” the drunk man answers.
Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.
No text found
Yesterday I ate a clock
It was very time consuming, especially when i went back for seconds
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…