Make Diction Great Again
ANOTHER MILESTONE ACHIEVED IN THIS GREAT PRESIDENCY. SO MUCH WINNING! β£πΊπΈπ₯
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What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?
There was nothing but de brie.
I bought coconut shampoo the other dayβ¦
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when the ships come back to port, they can Scandinavian.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldnβt fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
I have joke about left-handers.
The only issue is Iβm having trouble finding the right audience.
Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck…
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terrorοΌβ Oh GodοΌhelp me!!!β SuddenlyοΌeverything–the bearοΌthe treesοΌthe birdsοΌeverything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. βSoοΌall your lifeοΌYou deny My existenceοΌyet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorryοΌMy sonοΌbut it is too late.β The atheist thinks quickly. βWellοΌGodοΌif it is too late for me to become a ChristianοΌhow about you just convert the bear?β Time begins moving againοΌand the bear immediately stops its roaringοΌkneels quietly and respectfullyοΌand begins speaking. βO LordοΌbless this meal in which I am about to partake…β
A young man buys a brand-new bike
He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and rides off on his new best friend. After 300 kilometres of touring fun, his bike begins to stutter and eventually breaks down. The man finds himself in the middle of nowhere and walks to the nearest farm. The farmer, who is working outside on the land, greets him and asks if he stays for dinner, awaiting the truck who'll pick up his bike for reparation. Eagerly the man agrees. Inside he meets the farmers wife and their beautiful daughter. When he walks into the kitchen, he's astounded by the biggest pile of dirty dishes he has ever seen. 'We have one dinner rule', the farmer says. 'Whoever speaks during dinner, has to do the dishes.' Dinner is served and everyone is enjoying the meal in total silence. When desert comes, the farmers daughter takes off her top, and starts frisking the man. In about two minutes they are making love, right there on the table. Nobody utters a word. After they finish, the farmers wife gets under the table, and blows the man like he's never been blown before. Right after she climbs on his lap, and rides him like a bull. Still, nobody has said a word. When she's done, the man lights a sigarette and peeks out of the window. He notices it's started drizzling outside, and remembers his bike is out in the open. He jolts up, grabs the vaseline and bolts to the front door, only to find it locked. He sprints back into the kitchen, making wild armgestures to the farmer, pointing outside, to the door and to his tiny jar of vaseline. The farmer, white with fear, then says: 'Allright allright, I'll do the dishes!'
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost..
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
Hey Atheists! If God isnβt real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didnβt have sex?
The genie asked, “Whatβs your first wish?” Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!” The genie nodded and said, “Whatβs your second wish?”
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians…
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
I’m so happy its tick season soon…
I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
A vegan once said to me, people who sell meat to eat are disgusting….
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.
"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today." "No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked. "I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then." Then it was Tuesday. John came to job, in perfect health, thanked the boss for the day off and was working as usual. So the week passed, then the weekend and it was already next Monday. "Boss, I'm sorry to call you again, but can I get this Monday off as well? I'm sick." A bit weird, two Mondays in a row, but what can you do, the boss thought. It's just a coincidence. "Sure, no problem. You'll make it up when you're feeling better", the boss replied. And so came Tuesday. Boss was worried about John, but didn't want to pry, so he let it slide. John worked as usual that time, and for the rest of the week. Then, the next Monday arrived. "Boss, I'm really sorry, but can I have this Monday off as well?" John asked. Boss knew something was off, but better not to have John around sick he though, if he was even really sick, so he decided to talk in private, after John was feeling better. "Ok John", the boss replied. "This is getting weird but you just rest, you can't function while you're sick. I suppose I'll see you tomorrow?". "Yes, I'll be coming tomorrow as usual. John was at work the next day so boss decided to find out what was going on. "John, we need to talk. One Monday is not a problem, two Mondays in a row are a bit weird but things happen, but three Mondays are no coincidence. What is happening? I need an explanation." The boss was not happy at all. John decided to be honest. "Well, here is the thing. Every Monday, before work, I go to my cousin for a cup of tea. Every time we start drinking tea, chatting, and we always end up having sex." "Oh my god! Sex, with your cousin? You're sick!" "Well I told you so!" Sorry if I misspelled something, heard the joke it in my native language.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes
It was the end of my Korea
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?