Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.
A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than ten seconds. The man asks one of the angels there about the strange wall. The angel responds:"Each clock in this room represents a country back on Earth. You see, each clock has the country's name written on the hand, and each time a person from that country commits a sinful act, the hand on said clock goes forward a bit. The bigger the country the bigger the clock." Intrigued by this, the man seeks out the clock of his own country, Canada. And what do you know, there it is, going forward one step at a time. He looks at all the other clocks, like Russia, the biggest if them all. Right next to Russia is tiny Estonia, and next to that Finland, Sweden and Norway, all going steadily forward, almost simultaneously. But one clock is missing. The man asks the angel, "Where is the American clock? I thought it would be pretty big, but I can't see it anywhere." The angel responds:"Ah yes, that one. An arrangement was made to have that one transferred to hell." The man asks:"Huh? Why is that?" To which the angel responds:"It's being used as the ceiling fan in the smoking room."
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.
Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.
Oh you millenials with your newfangled talk about this “curbside pickup” concept you “invented” because of Covid…
Well I tell ya, we garbage-men have been doing curbside pickup ever since the 30's. . . . And we didn't need any of your formal training for it neither, we just picked it up as we went along. . . . And get off my lawn!
You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
https://ift.tt/3c4cxwa
The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.
A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… Donald, duck!”
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job…
We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'". The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'". The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."? She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36 When she walks into a room people say, "Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
Is this sub still active?
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
Why Jesus and the 3.5″ floppy are the same?
They both died to become the icon of saving.
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Keith. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "Well, she just died and left me everything."
My korean friend died last week
So Yung
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
One of my hair accessories is angry and it’s amusing to watch, but I don’t know what to do now.
I don't want to comb placate things.
A nun is in the bath
Shes hears a knock on the door and a man says "can i come in". "who are you?" she asks nervously. "Im the blind man" he replies. "Oh well in that case come in" she says relieved. The man walks in. "Nice tits" he says "Now where shall I hang these blinds?"
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I’d parked my car correctly…
It said "Parking Fine"
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden…
I think he's lost the plot…
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
Why is the calendar worried?
Because its days are numbered
I switched the labels on all my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”
The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.
A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas…
He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat. Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” Satisfied with the cover up of the dog being blamed he rips his biggest fart yet, this time the mother shouts “Rover! Get over here before that man shits all over you!”
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!