Man dies live on air while complaining about Iraq’s health service
Is it a hymn or a her?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
Because they make the toys.
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
It’s my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes… Why couldn’t the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?
Because he was already stuffed… Sorry, I'll do better next year – definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
It's a piece of cake.
He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
…they’ve been friends for a long time. One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking. Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?” Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a little hay…next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.” So what happens? Chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s fucking gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety. The horse is grateful and says “anytime you need me, I’ll be there." So what happens? About a week later, same thing only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud. Horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house but he can’t drive the BMW, runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety. Moral of the story – if you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
…end up with 'emit'.
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
They're peckish and want some food. The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?” Carl: Sure what do you want? Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now. Carl walks off… Bob: Now you will remember what I want? Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce. Bob: Correct Carl walks a little further… Bob: Don’t forget now Carl Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl is nearly at the ice cream van Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE… A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers. Bob: Fucking hell Carl where’s my fries??!
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
They prefer cooked men
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Dad: No it doesn’t
They might be seeing someone on the side
A garbage truck.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
They saw things differently
He was afraid of capitalism.
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
To talk about hispanic attacks.
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. That’s where I draw the line.
He wasn’t happy
It only takes one nail to get the picture of Jesus up and hanging
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.