Man, I really love my furniture
me and my recliner go way back.
I was having dinner at my bosses house and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?” I said “I’ll just have one thanks.”
She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.” “Alright,” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.”
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
They are making headlines!!!
He was a herbefor
I love foreign axe scents.
They always quack the case.
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
When the bartender yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said back, "CPR? I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed, except this one guy.
But it’s up there.
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
If you haven’t botany?
Medicine is well respected among general public. Physics is also regarded highly by many people.But i want to know, among both these subjects/discipines , which is tougher from the point of view of intellectual demand/ intelligence required to study ?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.”
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that." The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
Because it has a nice ring to it
That way it will never come for me.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
A woman goes to buy a parrot, the prices are $200, $100 and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheep.
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"