Man on a deserted island (Long)
A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good!" She than asks "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "10 years!" says the man. She unzips her other pocket and ands him a cigarette. He lights it and smokes it. She then starts unzipping the main zipper of her wetsuit saying "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" to which the man replies "Woah! Don't tell me you have a jet ski in there!"
Iโm going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says โIโm sorry folks, but weโve just lost both engines. Weโre going to crash and die.โ The teacher exclaims โOh my God, the poor children!โ The lawyer replies โFuck the children!โ The priest asks โDo we have time?โ
I was disappointed when my son got a job as a scarecrow
But he's outstanding in his field!
An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day
In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death. On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetary together. The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $10,000 for myself and only put in $40,000." The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $30,000." The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $50,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"
My mum always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
Cashier: Scans Condoms
โDo you need a bag sir?โ Me: Jesus, sheโs not that ugly
A friend in Germany tells me everyoneโs panic buying sausages and cheese.
Itโs the Wurst Kรคse scenario.
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
Just asked Siri….
"Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.
One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?" The other lady looked at her for a long time, and asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
This morning, Siri said, โDonโt call me Shirley.โ.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around…
129 bugs in the code.
Did you hear about the new movie โConstipationโ?
It Hasnโt come out yet. But Critics are saying itโs crap. And thereโs a sequel…. โNumber 2โ
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people donโt like it when you go the extra mile for them.
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, thatโs not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
A truck full of donkeys passed me on the highway
He was really hauling ass.
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
Iโve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I donโt know how much she charges,
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said โWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!โ
He said, โNo. I still have two.โ
The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)
Another classic… A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. … … … … The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' …. I just lost it!
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!
Sad news….I lost my job as a stage designer,
I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline
Jerry can
Every day I forget which direction the sun rises…
Then it dawns on me
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
Some races are inferior and should be eliminated
No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college…
The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise. A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion coming from the lecture hall and decides to see what is going on. He gets as close as he can to the front a d asks one of the students trying to get in what the lecture is suppose to be about. โWell an engineer is in there, giving a speech entitled โThe Mechanical Properties and Shear Strength Analysis of Joints Fastened By Means of Metallic Slugs Compressed by Pneumatic Toolsโ the Student replied. The manโs mouth dropped open in disbelief, โThis whole crowd and all that noise, for something that sounds like a snooze fest?โ he asked. The student replied, โOh donโt let the name fool you. When it comes right down to it, it is simply riveting!โ
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I donโt think I can look at her in the same light ever again.