Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough."
"Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy."
"Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today."
A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks.
"Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week."
"I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house."
Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
They’re on to us
My dad has a boomer comic in his office
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
Haha guns but like only one gun
I quite like this one.
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig.
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
“Don’t play with your food, Kevin!”
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
“boy, girl, time for dinner!”
Am I supposed to feel guilty for being born in the 90s?
Seems you were mistaken
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
A farmer has 895 sheep.
Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help. "Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many." The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting. "Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.". "I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen." "Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home. That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.". "Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."
I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
Are you today’s date?
Because you are 10/10
Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?
Of course, if he’s a billionaire.
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
Next level stuff!!
My dad just sent me this. Rip
High level meme
Found wandering in the wilds of Facebook…variation on a theme. Phone bad.
Theres something about juxtaposition…
How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.
For all my quarantined buddies
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.” “That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says “Go fuck yourself, General.” “See! Now that takes some real balls!”
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
Parenting a newborn sucks sometimes
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
Hong Kong Programmers have spoken
14 fingers, 14 toes!
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
Bernie can still win!
Father I have ASCENDED
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
Congratulations Kentucky… now do Moscow Mitch
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?
One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.
Working on an existing codebase as an inexperienced programmer
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
Every generation sucks.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
im blue da ba dee da ba daa
Soviet Joke about Jews.
Little Jewish boy Moishe comes home, walks up to his mother, and says: “Mom, mom, I wrote at school today in the column “Nationality" that I’m Russian! “Son, what do you eat for lunch every day?” – "Chicken!" – "And now you will eat potatoes, like all Russian children." Moishe becomes upset, and goes to his dad, he thinks maybe his dad will approve. Going to dad: – "Dad, dad, today I wrote "Russian" in the column "Nationality" at school!" – "Son, how do you go to school every day?" – "By car dad!" – "And now you will ride a tram, like all Russian children." Moishe, very upset, goes to his grandfather, maybe he will approve: – "Grandfather, grandfather, today I wrote "Russian" in the column “Nationality!” – "Grandson, how much pocket money did you get for school every day?" – "100 grandfather!" “And now you will receive a ruble. Like all Russian children." Moishe becomes completely upset, and sits down with his family for dinner. Everyone eats a chicken, winking at each other. Moishe eats potatoes. And then Mom asks Moishe: “Well, son, how do you like being Russian?” – "Damn, I'm Russian just for a couple of hours, and already hate you, damn Jews!
My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
Sorry Americans but Griffith can’t be argued with. ~Big oof moment~
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My older cousin posted it, his Facebook is a goldmine
We didn’t “flatten the curve” so much as we “suppressed the stupid”.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
Deport Donald Trump
Branches of Chemistry
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
I uhh… what? NSFW.