Man this meme sucks
Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens
Unique boomer joke right there
We are on the edge
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
This guy hiding Waldo, and the kids that will never find him.
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Guys stop harassing u/nwordcountbot
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He'll be born in April
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
I can almost hear the trumpets
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
This sugarcompany that decided to call itself Daddy
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
Me: I’m terrified of the Backstreet Boys
Therapist: Tell me why? Me: screams
They call it Jython
First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it…….followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting. When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
Brad Pitt just got Dr. Fauci fired.
Me : Alexa where is my dad?
Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.
Unpronounceable, sorry kid
A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory NSFW
A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. “Honey, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.” Wife: “My God! What’s happened?” Husband: “She got fired too”
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?
I don’t know if this was posted on here before
Yeah I have OCD!
Fixing problems be like :P
mmmm i’ll leave this here
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
When you start typing, the face of recruiter goes…….
Call of duty skills.
Pokemon Go Bad
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Respiring is reaction
Inspired by a post that was inspired by a recent post
Now available at Toys R Us stores near you!
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
Social media bad.
I would’ve told you a joke about infinity…
But I don't think there's an end to it.
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
Shameless war on Poors
A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car and begins to panic.
A passing soldier notices this, walks over and rolls his pants across the car. Magically, the car unlocks. The woman is relieved but puzzled, asking him how he did it. "That's easy. These are khakis."
robin: the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
i swear to god-
This was in my newspaper today. Kids these days smh my head.
Deport Donald Trump
The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling." Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting." Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on." All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob. Her Majesty: "Now what's this?" Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."
Genie: What will your first wish be?
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”
No homozygous bro
NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
This video recommended to me yesterday