Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*
Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better.. Me: But mom, I lov….. Mom: I was talking to her.
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
What is the downside of eating a clock?
It's time-consuming.
This is almost a checklist of boomer. If it has a laughing crying emoji it would be perfect
https://ift.tt/2t64hKV
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes” I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
I met a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing.
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
My wife and i decided we don’t want to have children!
We will be telling them tonight.
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you.
But I can see where you are coming from.
Have you heard about the new craze where guys bedazzle their testicles?
It's Pretty Nuts.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking…
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.
I downloaded the music of the film Titanic
It's synching now
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
No text found
The woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
How do you find your dog if it’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
Tits are like pizza…
…It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
