Whatdya call someone drowning in mayonnaise ?????????
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
This dude had beautiful long hair 5 years ago. Very funny comment but also Oof.
https://ift.tt/2ywG2Za
What do you call a teenage boy’s bedside diary?
Sticky Notes
A couple of years ago, one night,
I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend . Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
What a coincidence
What a coincidence
My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.
But I better get this shit off my chest.
So, a snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Stationary.
Did you guys see the preview for the movie about the worlds biggest 18-wheeler?
It was one really long trailer.
A thief pointed a knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.
In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth
I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Today my dad celebrated his 62nd birthday.
It was only a minute long.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But Catscan.
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store…
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “Dry?”
The German replies "Nein, just one."
How do volcanos feel about jokes?
They LAVA good joke!
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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