Manager Managing fine
Boy asks, “Granny, have u seen my pills, they’re marked LSD”
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?
Dish-orderly conduct.
Two friends are walking their dogs–a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua–when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat." But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us." So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant. "Sorry," says the owner, "no pets allowed." "But this is my seeing-eye dog," the guy with the Dalmatian says. "A Dalmatian?" "Yes, they're using them now." The owner says, "Very well, then, come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." "But this is my seeing-eye dog," says the second guy. "A Chihuahua?" asks the incredulous owner. "A Chihuahua?!" says the man in the dark glasses. "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am
Is it The same shit different day?
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
It’s a running joke.
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?
You add Spring water.
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
First time
Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed. Husband : What? You had three divorces before. Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it. Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it. And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it. You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.
Kids don’t know how good they have it
When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said…
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace
The situation changes however, when I run out of children
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
I absolutely hate elevators…….
I take steps to avoid them
I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
A deaf accountant works for the mafia.
One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator. "Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, boss wants to know where it is." Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about." Translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about". Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?" Translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?" Deaf man reiterates to the translator through sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!" Translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about." The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table, and points a gun to the accountants head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW" Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here." Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!" Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!" Translator says, "He said go fuck yourself."