Why canβt a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. ππ¦π
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when theyβre standing too.
Where do sasquatches live?
Sasquatchewan!
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
Why do vaccinated kids hate jokes about measles?
They never get them.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says:
"you've got a drink named Eugene?"
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walked into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar. The nurse sits down and says, βIβll have a shot of tequila!β The doctor sits next to her and says, βGive me a shot of whiskey!β The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "no shots for me", then dies from polio.
So sick of double standards these days.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
My hipster friend drowned
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst kΓ€se scenario.
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
Life is like a toilet paper
One minute youβre on a roll And the next minute, youβre taking shit from some asshole
I tried learning brail recently..
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.