Translating CNN stories to their actual meaning!
The best way to tell others who you are when you wear a mask
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
Spotted at a local grocery store
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
We have all been there….
I feel attacked
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!
More sad than funny but still true
How do you find a velociraptor?
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
New phone bad old phone good
never believe, it’s not sooo
Found in a supermarket
My dad put this in our family group chat 😂
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
I made my own boomer comic
So proud of my daughter for this one… “Why do fishes swim in salt water?”
Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome.
My dad tried to punch the fog today…
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
It’s a running joke.
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday.
Left the brownies in the oven too long.
I know you laughed
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Elevators terrify me
I'm taking steps to avoid them
A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A
Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Stephen, who replies "Balloon"..This goes on until they get to the letter G. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "Hmm, I cant think of any swear word beginning with G", so she asks Jonny. "Gnome" says Jonny. Very surprised, the teachers says "That's excellent Jonny, and do you know what a gnome is?" "Yeah" replies Jonny, "It's a little cunt at bottom of my garden that fucks fairies"
I’ll have the McPlastic thanks…
Bernie wins the Iowa caucus despite the DNC’s best effort
One Flew Over the Covfefe’s Nest
Just gonna leave this one here for the Christian Zionists
NSFW: There’s a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.
Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunch break bell rings, Joe is really starving, completely forgets about Bruce and jumps back on the main scaffold without Joe as a counterweight, Bruce falls to his death on the street below. A Frenchman, an Italian and an Australian are together eating in a restaurant. Suddenly the Frenchman sits up and says "Frenchmen love women the most!" Of course the Italian disagrees "No, Italian men love women the most. Why just the other day I took my girlfriend out to the best restaurant, then I took her to a sold-out show and then we went to the best hotel in town. Where we made love all night long. I'd been working overtime and planning this for over a year". The Frenchman says "That's nothing, I took my girl to the most exclusive bar in town, where we drunk the best Champagne. I then took her for a carriage ride along the Montmartre and then to the finest restaurant in Paris, where we ate oysters and foie gras, salmon and beluga caviar. I then took her to the finest hotel in Paris and we made love for two days and two nights". The Australian then pipes up "Nah, you guys aren't even close. Australian men are the most crazy about women." At this, both the Frenchmen and the Italian both wear wry and sarcastic expressions. Before they can say anything, he holds up his hand, and the Australian says "Just hear me out, a year ago this drop dead gorgeous brunnette is walking down the street in a really skimpy outfit, mini skirt and all. The next thing that me and my friends see, is this builder jumps off the top of this tall building, with his cock in his hand and he's screaming out:" "Cuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt!"
Casualty of War
Been there, done that
“I am the senate”
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey… a deal's a deal.
Hilbert’s Hotel when a new guest arrives at the hotel be like
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I can’t afford anything.
Comments in a nutshell
Feeling old ?
American evangelicals are so different…..
Women ha ha ha
No one is “vilifying” the rich
I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
Free from all burdens!!
Is that my wife or should I pay her?
Why did the Duck cross the road?
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.
Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.
One of us
Father I cannot click the book
Oh!! Wow Science is…..
Something something kids today
Never forget pigeon
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
A man goes for confession …
The priest says “Tell me son why are you here” “Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied. The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? “ “Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic.” the man replied. “This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way” the priest replied. The man replied , “ Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? “
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Trump’s economy kicking in …..