Manual labor good, phones bad.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Caveman discovers weed
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.” “You miss me that much?” she asks. “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.
No Kidding Only Coding, A funny satirical article on daily dilemma of an Indian Parent
https://ift.tt/3h1Ha88
My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”
I’m so pissed off I didn’t think of that quote first.
A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. . . . . . . . . . Now it's your turn.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!
Got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
Bashing a witness at the impeachment hearing for wearing his military uniform?
https://ift.tt/2OFOglR
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.
Shit, wrong thread.
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones who go to school.
Hey, I’m not saying Hitler was a great guy.
But he really saved the History channel.
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
Some guy came up to me and said, “I haven’t gone to the bathroom in two years.”
I said, "you're full of crap"
13% 18-29 voter turnout in California. Vote for your future. BTW not American. (OC)
https://ift.tt/3coY4eO
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
I only believe in about 12% of the bible…
I’m an eighthiest
Why is it called the Dark Age?
Because of all the Knights.