Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P.
If you take it away he becomes irate.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Dad, why is that book so thick?
"It's a long story"
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea. (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.
He's been made the CIEIO
I was going to make a Corona virus joke
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry 🥺
A man goes to a dear friend’s funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.
She says "Go ahead". He says "Plethora". She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".
Why does listening to FM radio hurt?
Because Mega Hertz
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
An Indian who was too modern was elected as chief of the tribe
Fall was upon this remote reservation when the tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared. After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
What do you call a teacher, who retired?
A Taughter.
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I just ended a 5 year relationship
It’s ok though. Wasn’t my relationship.
Unremarkable
Unremarkable
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe. The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him……… 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!' How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!' Clearing his throat, he stammered …. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
Robin: “Batman, this is Robin”
Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!" Batman: "Have you checked the battery?" Robin: "what's a tery?"
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good. Just made this up in the kitchen and got an eye roll from my wife, so I figured it was good to post, even if it is a bit cheesy.
Neodymium doped Glass changes color depending on the wavelength of the light hitting it.
https://ift.tt/2NXvk2L
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden.
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I’ve won, but at what cost?
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says…
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder and asks, "Honey, please…just one more time, before I die." She says, "Of course, dear." and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…" At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning…YOU DON’T!!!"
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.