Fauci really does have the hardest job..
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Now more than ever
Getting my hopes up
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Fastest debug in the west
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
2 Girls, 1 Cup isn’t for everyone.
But some people eat that shit up.
My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..
I have to remind him what Israel.
I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is OK.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus….
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends."
One of my coworkers
It’s too much
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
That’s a lot of damage
Just got offered a job as a Waiter
It's probably because I can bring a lot to the table.
Maybe this doesn’t apply to every situation
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
An actually good boomer humor comic. Grandmother sent it to me today
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
I hope Gov. Cuomo and Mayor DeBlasio do this.
This is a weekly occurence…
Seems pretty accurate…
I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
We are stupid
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
A Wife took a DNA test for her kid
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid Husband: Well you don't remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
For those doing micro…
Ok, now kiss.
Btw I use AARCHHH
Merry Christmas guys!
A dyslexic man stormed Area 15
Authorities didn't press charges, saying "they felt bad" They thought a long sentence was the last thing he needed
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend
Best trade i ever made.
my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case.
i said i stopped giving a shift.
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
Don’t know if this counts
I got gas today and it only cost $1.39!
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
May you live in interesting times..
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
“Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”
Women’s Friends Vs. Men’s Friends
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Scumbag Trump Meme
This came across one of my feeds…fits well here.
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…
Spiral shaped pasta…
really makes me consider the fusillity of life.
Got this from my in-laws last night.
God said to John come forth and have everlasting life.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Programmer good, users bad
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Schiff done told you
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
Nice new car son.. What’s that thing on the trunk?
No text found
Trump family fact #1
We’ve all been there, we’ve all done it
I once accidentally mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza”.
I am now in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Hans, Is That You?
The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI. In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on. The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.
Goku mastered ultra physicist
Now there are two of them
Found on Facebook of course
This is how you “all lives matter” dummies look