Marie Curie learned the hard way
I can’t tell if I like my new blender
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear
is sphere itself
Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision
It was a rip off
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
How does every racist joke start?
With a look over your shoulder
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
What do you call a stolen Tesla
An Edison
What happens when someone steals uranium
It becomes theiranium
The doggy swinging is funny, however the old scene kinda makes me sad at the same time?
https://ift.tt/2WP2S5P
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because of their antybodies
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
The quarantine has brought a bountiful harvest to the family group chat from my mother
https://ift.tt/2QV4ppk
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
If sounding my B’s as V’s makes me Russian
Then Soviet
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
I absolutely support any scientific effort to create an invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
Why is booze better than carrots?
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish