Marie Curie learned the hard way
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
9 months isn’t really that long
It only feels like a maternity
Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.
Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds. Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?” The man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?” Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the man $500. An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”. The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
My wife and I are both feminist
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar…
And checks his clock. "1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" – Thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up" So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him: -So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day? The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool: -Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers. The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds: -The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.
My friends experience at a concentration camp.
My friends experience at a concentration camp.
My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..
Two termites walk into a bar
One asks ‘Is the Bar tender here?’
Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
During a parole hearing.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
I fucking hate recursion
I fucking hate recursion, its the dumbest fucking solution to the easiest problems in coding. Like what the fuck? Have you every heard of big O notation? Of course you fucking haven’t, you bumbling cretin. I would explain it if your brain didn’t recurse on itself. How am I supposed to understand fucking “Henry McGyvers” code over here where you can’t tell where it even produces any values at the fucking root of things. Why would a function call itself, you fucking idiot? Why would you ever think that? Why not use a while loop? Or a for loop? Or literally anything that’s better than a program sucking itself off until it cums with the answer that you might want, I guess. Jesus fucking christ.
I reported a bug for a game that came out yesterday, the cause had me laughing so hard
https://ift.tt/2LJIXR8
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
How do you know if a sniper likes you?
He misses you
A Winter War joke
A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!" The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence. After a few minutes, the voice shouts defiantly: "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!!" The general sends a hundred men to remove the nuisance, there is a racket of gunfire, and then quiet. The voice crys out loudly once more: "One Finnish soldier is better than a thousand Soviet soldiers!!" Enraged, the general sends a thousand men charging over the hilltop to shut up that voice once and for all, an epic battle rages, and then quiet. After a few minutes, a gravely wounded Soviet crawls back over the hill and crys: "It's a trap! There are two Finnish soldiers!!"
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…
My doctor said it's my grains…
Wendy’s does damage control… and brainstorms the possibilities..
Wendy’s does damage control… and brainstorms the possibilities..
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.