Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
A farmer gets interviewed
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: a couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it? professor: okay there is one stupid question.
I was going to study Nietzsche’s philosophy.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
My teenager took his driving test today and managed to get 8 out of 10.
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?
Silicon Valley.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
It's because I haven't seen him in 15 years.
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
Know why the shoe was drunk?
Too much socky.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because they get to switch sides halfway through.
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
https://ift.tt/3eY0TEP
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Why do fish do bad in school?
They are bellow the C level.
What’s the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
Grenade actually accomplish something when it triggers. EDIT : NOT FROM USA NOR WHITE
A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.
The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!" "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language." The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. " One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
The first vacuum ever created probably sucked.
No text found
How come 11 ants couldn’t park their cars at their ant hill?
Because parking is for ten ants only!
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
My dad was a WWII veteran.
During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis. Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.