Marriage bad
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
My 8 year old pulled this on me
Daughter: Dad, are you smart? Me: Yes. Daughter: Spell it. Me: S-M-A-R-T Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word “it.” She got me good.
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.
“Judge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
Why do women seem so surprising?
Because everyone exclaims "woah man" when they see them
I thought taking a job as a ski instructor would be great.
But it really went downhill fast.
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.
I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”
The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%
The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%
Got called in for a drug test at work…
They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning." They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?" "It was an everything bagel."
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!
My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau…
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could have done for him.
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for…
I can never get a straight answer.
“What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-na."
How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?
Turn off the lights.
What keeps the ocean from leaking out?
The seals.
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
My dad told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”
Great man, terrible geologist
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
A man bought a bar
A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable. He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, especially after a few beers. Business started to boom and Blackie became somewhat of a public figure. One night Blackie was snoozing on the sidewalk outside the bar when a cyclist came speeding through and ran over her tail. She was taken to the vet and the tail unfortunately had to be amputated, but the man, being eccentric and deeply affectionate towards her, had it stuffed and mounted on the wall. Blackie lived many long and happy years after the incident, but the day came that she passed on. The bar owner, along with many community members were extremely saddened by the news. A few nights later, the man is cleaning up the bar in the early morning hours after shutting down for the night. He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a dog approaching him from across the room. "Blackie, is that you?" The dog spoke. "Yes it's me, I am sorry that I that I left you. But I desperately need your help. I went to heaven after I died, but they won't let me in. God said that he can't let dogs into heaven if they don't have their tails, but since I was a good dog he let me come back for tonight to retrieve it. I know you still have mine and I need it back if I am ever to rest peacefully." The man replied, "I'm sorry Blackie, but you know I can't retail spirits after midnight."
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and she was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
I used to be addicted to not showering…
I’m proud to say I’m officially clean!
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
What number is a sport?
Ten is
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?