Here comes the sun
Father I have ASCENDED
Happy Mother’s Day
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?
Voting on the issues.
A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads “If you lift this 21″ laptop with your dick, it’s yours!”
… The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him. A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works. Fed up and in tears, she goes to the husband and asks, why are you no longer making love to me!? He replies: Honey, I've been training for the washing machine!
Windows man, how do they work?
The bird is going through Midlife crisis.
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
Pulling out is hard during Missionary
Problematic for sure.
Really need this super powerful computer!
Allah go with me
What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
Where my McPlasmid at tho?
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Donald J. Trump has been impeached
Finally, something he's earned
we’ll we’ll we’ll…
…if it isn’t autocorrect.
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
Really… Sarah Palin?
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.
They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached. "Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her. The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!" Again, she politely but firmly shook her head and pulled her daughter along, as the protester shouted after her, "You owe it to your children to evacuate now!!" After they got some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, momma? Are we in danger?" The mother smiled at her daughter. "No, sweetheart. Don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement knows what it's talking about."
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said…
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
My wife told me that I have a dad bod
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
A young boy enters a barber shop…
…and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
Science students during home schooling
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Thanks for proving us right Bloomberg!
Chemistry PP gets it
Me throwing in a hash map everywhere
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
Art of the deal
GitHub project starter pack
When the project manager is worried about security, programmer:
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?
He's going to he'll.
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
Not the usual medium for this kind of joke but…
78 Billion Prayers
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because today they got into a fight, and 2021! Happy new year y’all!
My Facebook friend posted this unironically
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
Found on Facebook
A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A
Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Stephen, who replies "Balloon"..This goes on until they get to the letter G. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "Hmm, I cant think of any swear word beginning with G", so she asks Jonny. "Gnome" says Jonny. Very surprised, the teachers says "That's excellent Jonny, and do you know what a gnome is?" "Yeah" replies Jonny, "It's a little cunt at bottom of my garden that fucks fairies"
haha greta dumb
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
Sums it up
This is why I should read the error message
Python wrapper for Java
If I was an injured cat,
The Memes don’t make themselves
literally everyone ever
It’s the little things
Officers of the United States
What sound does a bouncing plane make?