MARTHA LOOK AT THIS LOL
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Redditors: please be careful this holiday season
Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots … I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: I took a cab. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved me through. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab home before. I don’t even know where I got it from, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… “Donald duck.”
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
Lie Detecting Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot For Sale.
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Elephants have been defamed and maligned with this disgraceful association for far too long
https://ift.tt/2RKmreA
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent…..
…in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Went out with a bang…
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
Me, being forced to use Word again after three years of writing assignments in LaTeX
https://ift.tt/34m76nI
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
True house cleaners aren’t just born…
They're maid…
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it's past tents
Dad jokes meet dog jokes
Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog? It has the thickest bark.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
I signed up for my company’s 401k,
but I don't think I can run that far.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.