Mask Melon
It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”
My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
What do you call a sketchy Italian Neighborhood?
The Spaghetto
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
Superman is flying though the air super horny…
When he notices Wonder Woman laying totally naked on top of a skyscraper, legs spread wide open. He thinks to himself, man, I’m Superman… Faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there, fuck the shit out of her as fast as I can and be out of there before she feels a thing. He swoops down as fast as he can and within a second, he’s gone. “What was that?!” screamed Wonder Woman. “I don’t know” the Invisible Man said. “But my asshole is killing me.”
My 13yo has had enough. I disagree.
https://imgur.com/a/b4uxwBM
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man stated, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!"
Caveman discovers weed
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
I don’t have a “Dad Bod”
I have a father figure
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
I passed my forklift test today. I did very well.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good 😀
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship
Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?" Yoda answers: "off course, we are"
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
