Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea.
But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride!
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
A floss-o-raptor
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
What are you drinking there?
I dunno water you drinking?
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.
25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex. So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request the priest says “Yes, only if each one of you do something bad.” They all agree and off their separate ways. When the first nun comes back the priest asks her about her day. And she tells him all about how amazing it was driving around in a Ferrari. Stumped upon how she was driving a Ferrari he asks the nun how she was able to drive a Ferrari. She responds “You told me to do something bad. So I robbed a bank and bought a Ferrari.” In shock the priest told her to go drink some holy water to cleanse herself. And just as he starting to catch his breathe the second nun comes back. And she instantly starts telling him how great her day at the beach was wearing a bikini. And the priest feeling responsible now asks how she got the bikini. She responds ”I had to drown a lady to get it.” The priest baffled by what he just heard again tells her to drink the holy water to cleanse herself of the horrific crime she committed. The last nun walks in and tells the priest she had a great day just walking around the park. And he knew he had to ask. “Did you do anything bad?” She responds calmly “No, not really, I just peed in the holy water before I left.”
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, dad
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s when I flip your MOM over.
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
I’m tired of all these forced gender neutral terms
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
When you hear Google has new training for its AI but realize its based off of Reddit
When you hear Google has new training for its AI but realize its based off of Reddit
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus. "But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket. "I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests." "But my fever, the pain in my lungs…what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?" The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."