Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
College Classes
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
What do you call a person with one arm and no legs ?
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”
A man sitting in the corner replies, “You won’t have enough bullets”
A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt
I told her she was just pulling my leg.
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
Went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
I told my kids that due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
Why isn’t Dark spelled “Darc”
Because you can’t C in the dark
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees. “How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself. Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly. “Hmm, it looks okay,” says the server, and starts the chainsaw. The man jumps back in shock and cries, “What’s that noise?”
When people began using the alphabet, they only used 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…
Apparently “I’m sorry” and “My bad” are same thing
unless you're at a funeral [Demetri martin]
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them seem to work.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
Why did the ‘A’ go to the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
It had a vowel movement.