Mathematicians will cry
To the guy who invented 0…
Thanks for nothing!
The hardest part about babysitting-
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
https://ift.tt/2VUSutr
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
The idea of 6 naked ladies sounds great
Dozen tit
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?
Dish-orderly conduct.
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear?
denim denim denim
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…
They arrested me.
I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, “Downtown”…
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying
My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?” I replied “Don’t you start too”
John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter –
– with millions of clocks around the room. Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?" Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies." So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twice?" Saint Peter said, "that is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice for he has only lied twice in his life." John goes to another, he asked, "Why hasn't this one moved?" Saint Peter says, "That is Saint Teresa's, for she has never lied." Curious now, John asked, "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" Amused, Saint Peter says, "Oh, Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan in his office."
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?" Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year." Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming." Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate." Pope: "Chocolate?" Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. …
No text found
What’s the difference between a Monk and a Rogue?
A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
My friend told me a very bad joke about gravity.
I still fell for it.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer
She always runs from the ball
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
What does a house wear?
Address
