What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
3 Cowboys NSFW
Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were. The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out for blood. I look him in the eye and I know that it’s me or him. When he lunged, I grabbed him with my bare hands and strangled him to death. And you see these snakeskin boots? I took them as a trophy from my kill.” The second cowboy responds: “That’s nothing. One day I was riding around on my horse, than out of nowhere comes out a big, mean bear. The son of a bitch knocks me off my horse, and proceeds to kill my noble steed. I reach for my gun, but he charges and knocks it out of my hand. He’s got me pinned, snarling at me just waiting to kill, when I manage to break free, get my knife from my boot, and I stab him in the throat. And you see this bearskin cloak? I skinned him myself and keep this as a reminder.” The two cowboys look to the third, and one of them says “well what about you? You think you’re tougher than us?” The third cowboy says nothing, and just continues to sit there, stirring the fire with his dick.
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE… She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
My mum used to say that the best way to a mans heart was through his stomach
She was a good woman… Terrible surgeon though
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob.’ Bob was stunned.
I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell, 'BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
I found a wallet…
I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill. I asked myself, what would have Jesus done? So I turned it into wine.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim. Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognize me by my face."
Ok brace yourselves for an absolute travesty of a joke, said during bathtime after water got into my daughter’s eyes.
I told my wife: There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!" This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
Just a normal day in Pakistan
Just a normal day in Pakistan
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
What is the only fruit you can sit on?
A cherry.
Welcome to camouflage training
I’ve got to say I’m disappointed to see so many of you here
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
A blonde called up her boyfriend and said,
“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then. . .” he sighed, . . .“let’s put all of these Frosted Flakes back into the box.”
My son used to swallow coins pretty regularly when he was a child.
I’ve definitely seen some change in him.
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
She: “What’s your birthday?”
Me: "January first." She: "What year?" Me: "Every year."
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"