Matlab has its own special place in hell
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
I just bought a mentos 24 pack for my family.
Best trade ever.
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in‘unt?” Only one word leaps to his mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is aunt." “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
![[OC] Still at work tonight. Pixelart](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/no_image_card-76-400x247.png)
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.
The parrot was cool, though. Originally an Anthony Jeselnik joke
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold." The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view." The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two." "That's fine," the man replies. "For my second wish, I'd like to have $20 million." "Granted, but your mother-in-law will have $40 million." The man nods. "And your final wish?" the genie asks. "For my final wish," the man begins, "I want you to scare me half to death."
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My teeth need to be fixed.
They keep moving around.
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
(: ¡¡ʇɥƃᴉN pooפ
Love, Australia.
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
I don’t get what Christians are trying to warn us about. Hell sounds like a great place
People are dying to get there.
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
Why did the dog go to college?
To get its pedigree.
(NSFW) A bra, some jumper cables and a battery walk into a bar…
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”
Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing! The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and then asks, “Where did you find him?” “Well,” says the man, “I found this magic lamp.” Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp. “I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness.” “Wow,” says the barman. The man then says, “As you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp.” “Be careful what you wish for though.” So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish……… Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!! The barman shouts at the man saying,“ I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!” To this the man replies, “ And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?!”
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber…
Now, it won't crash, it'll just go, "Boeing Boeing Boeing!"
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
