max = Math.max(max, current);
Mike Tyson gifted little metal cups to his friends…
When they asked what it meant, he said it was a thimble of friendship!
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
Remains to be seen!
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we are having for dinner tonight
She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man stated, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!"
For nearly a year I have been investing heavily in stocks
That’s chicken, beef and vegetable. Soon I will be a bouillionaire!
Social distancing isn’t just a recommendation, it’s a commandment.
Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's house
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.
Because it’s made in China.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I went as a Dad Joke for Halloween.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier
They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That gentlemen, is courage" The American says that's nothing. He calls over a PO and says, "I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return". The PO salutes jumps off the bow, swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That gentlemen, is courage" The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here!". The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off". The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that gentlemen, is courage"