I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
So I walked into a weight loss clinic once and spilled an entire box of milk duds all over the floor…
It was the best game of hungry hungry hippos that I had ever seen!
Why do they call it marijuana possession
And not joint custody
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked. “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way… “Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?” “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.” “The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief. “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
Just asked Siri….
"Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.
I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”
And hoping I didn’t actually pack a bomb at the airpont gate
And hoping I didn’t actually pack a bomb at the airpont gate
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding…
John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" John had his license Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?" John: "Sure" It was in his car Chief: "Could you open your glove box?" John: "Sure" There were no weapons Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?" John: "Be my guest" There were no bodies in the trunk Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk" John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea. (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.
The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened. He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole. Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”