May the force be with you
Why was 6 afraid of 7
7 was a registered six offender
I watched my first porn movie today…
…jeeze I was young back then.
I recently started a band called 999 megabytes.
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
Oh Grandpa
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, âWhat is sexâŠ?â He was surprised sheâd ask such a question at her age, but thought if sheâs old enough to ask, sheâs old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldnât shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, âGrandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.â
A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.
"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam. "Because i iron better than you." answered the maid. Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?" "your husband did." Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?" "i cook better than you, madam." "who said that?" "Your husband did." A sense of defeat and humiliation overflowed within madam, but she is still unwilling to admit defeat. "Is that all?" asked the madam hesitantly. "i have sex better than you, madam." coolly answered the maid. With a seething rage and trembling voice, the madam asked, "did my husband say that?" The maid answered, "no, the gardener did." "Oh, so how much do you want?"
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, âWhat happened before The Big Bang?â
He said, âSorry. No time.â
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a âNirvanaâ scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it.
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag…
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier đ The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
What do young male Spanish cows call each other?
Moo-chachos.
I downloaded the music of the film Titanic
It's synching now
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!
He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!" Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I donât exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?" "It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
I got heartburn from eating my cake
The doctor told me to take the candles off next time.
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.
âMan I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dudeâs house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!â âNo way!â âYes way,â insists Fred, âcome with me and check it out for yourself if you donât believe me.â – Twenty minutes later theyâre ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, âHi! Iâm sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesnât believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!â – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, âRoger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!â
3 kids walk into a candy store
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did
So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.
They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. âGo away! Stop spying on us!â The farmer says âSorry ladies, but I didnât come out here to see you naked.â Holding up his apple bucket he says âI came to feed the alligator.â
Whatâs Yodaâs last name?
Layheehoo
A woman listenâs in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
âAll those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry upâ The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till heâs learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: âall those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
A man escapes from prison where he’s been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife: "Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong. To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
Got called in for a drug test at work…
They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning." They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?" "It was an everything bagel."
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side… This joke was a little forced.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. âDo you mind waiting for a bit?â The manager asked. âNot at allâ I replied.
âGood, take these lasagnas to table 6â he said.