Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
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The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The Italians just introduced it to women
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90. Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?" The teller replied "Fluctuations" "Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man
He said only thyme would tell.
So I pushed her over
He responded, “can’t complain.”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
The difference is staggering.
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
Its about time
Because 6, 7 8…
Because they are so good at it.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
Me and my recliner go way back.
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
Ate a glock in the morning.
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
It came completely out of the purple…
I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”