Maybe next time I’ll be a better coder….
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No text found
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The Greeks invented sex
The Italians just introduced it to women
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but it’s just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
I had to break up with my midget girlfriend today.
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
How does NASA throw parties?
They planet.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..
He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90. Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?" The teller replied "Fluctuations" "Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
Urgent Ticket! Feature not working! Client is not happy, put a developer on this right now!
https://ift.tt/2sm0b0N
I was using the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance
So I pushed her over
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
Man, I love my furniture.
Me and my recliner go way back.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
On Earth, science is driven by curiosity
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”