Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me/
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
How do locomotives know where they’re going?
Lots of training
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
I bought some Shoes from my drug dealer yesterday.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now…
…and that's where I sleep.
Why was the music teacher arrested?
He fingered a minor.
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
My wife said I don’t tell her she’s pretty enough.
So I told her she's pretty enough.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
Mud
No text found
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! 👔
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
What do you call a farm when none of the cows give milk?
An udder disaster.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
3 rednecks were working on a cell tower…
Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' 'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow." ' She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?
Because she was thicc
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment…
Doctor: Hi, my name is Juan, and I’ll be delivering your baby.
Dad: OB Juan, you’re our only hope.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order." Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay…" Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone. -Next day- The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks. Bartender: "Still not over your brother?" Guy: "No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay…" Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone. -Next Day- Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots. Bartender: "More bad news I assume?" Guy: "Yep, uncle this time…" Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks. -Next Day- Same guy, same drink order. This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief! Bartender: "DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?" Guy: "Yep….My Wife"
The punchline comes before the question.
What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?
