My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!
What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
A teenager’s car won’t start out at the mall one night
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says, “Don’t bother me!”
So I asked him how much it costs and whether or not it works.
I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life
I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting one etc and I'm like "Yeah, it's pretty good." trying to play it cool because I don't wanna give away that there's no way I could even afford one if I wanted to. But then after a while, his comments start becoming personal, first complimenting my shoes and calling me a 'strapping young lad'. Now I'm quite weirded out but figure he's just new at sales and really bad at it. But then I realised he's not a staff member, that he doesn't work there. So now I'm fully freaked out, this guy just came up to me and all up in my personal space, so I try to ignore him (but not trying to be subtle about it). I turn away, and get this, he sort of grabs my arm to turn me back and gives it a little squeeze and says something along the lines of "Ooh, you been hitting the gym yeah?". I turn to look at him and say "Excuse me, do not touch me" and quickly leave. This guy catches up to me all apologetic, saying how sorry he is and he didn't realise he was annoying me and that. And as I'm about to say "Yeah okay fine whatever", he says "Listen, here's the thing. If you give me a blowjob, I will give you this new iPhone XS" and pulls out this new iPhone, box fresh. I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought I'd misheard him, so had to clarify and said "What? You want me to suck you off for a phone? Really?!" And he smiled and nodded. Some people are fucking disgusting. Makes me sick. Sent from my iPhone.
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman’s door.
"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news". "Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies. The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor." The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?" He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?" Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!" The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
What number is a sport?
Ten is
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
I tried my wife’s essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fri- "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
The person who invented hand sanitiser…
She must be really rubbing her hands together now!
My wife complains that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my bags and right
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
The IRS decided to audit my Grandpa…
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man asks, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”