Maybe time to update it a bit…
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it
Sex Therapy
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… "
I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.
Then I realised she can't even.
What did one cucumber seed say to the other?
We're in a bit of a pickle!
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.
"911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
![[MEME] When Hitchcock and Sculley are called to action](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/ndvo77ka73x41-400x551.jpg)
Who called it breast transplants and not Boobles?
No text found
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
I’m never smoking weed with mexicans again.
I asked who got papers, and they took off running.
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
Why does England feel like it’s two months ahead of us?
It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.
What is a pirate’s favorite type of music?
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
Did you hear about the atheist charity?
It was a non-prophet organization!
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
When I became a teenager, my father gave me a 30 minute Power Point Presentation on the dangers of having unprotected sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…
They arrested me.
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
What did they call the race car driver who won with a hen strapped to the hood of his car?
Number One with a Pullet.
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
A German pushes his brother off a cliff
"look mom no hans!"
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
A boy come home from school and says “Guess what mom? I had sex with my teacher today!”
The mother is furious, frustrated, and mortified all at once and scream to her son: "GO TO YOUR ROOM!! YOUR FATHER WILL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN HE COMES HOME!!!" So after a short dinner, and a long conversation, the boy hears his dad thumping down the hallway to his room. The father opens the door, and says with a stern voice: "Your mother told me about your day at school… I can't tell you how deeply, seriously, and truly PROUD I AM OF YOU!! HIGH FIVE BUD! For you to get it in, at your age, with a teacher?! I love that my young man's a STUD! To celebrate you being AWESOME, you're getting a brand new bike. Right now, let's go!" So the proud father and son walk to the bike store and walk out with a new set of wheels. The father says: "There she is son, how about you ride this baby home?!" The son replies: "Dad, I'd love to but I can't, my asshole still hurts!"
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense….
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
