Mayor can’t differentiate Korean and random symbols, calls Korean woman a troll for having a Korean name
I used to hate facial hair
but then it grew on me
My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she’s always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me…
but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
How did the vegan start eating meat?
Cold turkey.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted.
Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home…….
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".
ββMy Lββesbian nββeighbours Eββva aββnd Jββulia aββsked mββe tββo hββelp tββhem cββonceive aββ cββhild rββecently
ββThey sββaid tββhey wββouldn't mββind iββf wββe dββid iββt tββhe oββld fββashioned wββay aββs tββhey wββeren't mββan hββaters! For sββix mββonths nββow wββe've bββeen tββrying bββut Iββ jββust dββon't hββave tββhe hββeart tββo tββell tββhem Iββ hββad aββ vββasectomy lββast yββear.
How do you make toast in the jungle?
Under the g(o)rill(a).
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, βHow soon do you think weβll be able to have sex?β
He winked at me and said, βIβm off duty in ten minutes β meet me in the car park.β
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls βwho had sex with my wife!!!β
A guy in the back replies You donβt have enough bullets
How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me…
Groom: After me.. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious? Bride: No, his name is Mike.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
A man in an interrogation room says, βIβm not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You ARE the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So whereβs my present?!"
Why does Waldo from the Whereβs Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesnβt wanna be spotted
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
Authentic genuine 1964 boomer humor found in a men’s magazine in a secret wall stash
https://ift.tt/2YmQDhV
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
I thought it was a booger
But it snot.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
Africa only has two seasons
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.