Me
If a blind girl says you have a big penis
She's probably pulling your leg
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it…
…You never know when you might need a nail.
father: how are your grades son?
đˇ son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.
Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there. On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents. She asked Bob if he would go with her to the the movie that week. Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his penis during the film. Sally thought about this for a bit and decided – what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night. Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane. Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got". To which Bob replied: "Parkinsons".
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I hope it's just a phase.
How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer
The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer. The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down." The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?" The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?" Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And theyâll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
What did the Nazi dentist say on reddit?
Thanks for the gold kind stranger! Edit:Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy. (credit: my sister, Lisa)
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident…
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yellâDAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISHâ so the priest walks up to the fisher and says âyou canât just swear like that youâll make god angryâ on which the fisher replies âthis is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam theyâre
Dam fishâ The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife âcan you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrowâon which the wife replies surprisedâdear youâre a priest you canât just swear like thatâ on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks âcan someone pass me the dam fishâ on which the priests son replies âthatâs the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking friesâ
What do you call a short psychic who just escaped prison?
A small medium at large
What is a pirateâs favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think itâd be Arr, but me first love be the C
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
Itâs kind of silly weâre trying turning plants into burgers
Havenât cows been doing that for like, forever?
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
Whatâs the difference between a politician and a flying pig
the letter âfâ
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his companyâs party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didnât taste like alcohol at all. He didnât even remember how he got home from the party⌠As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: âHoney, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillianâ. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, âSon⌠what happened last night?â âWell, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.â Confused, he asked his son, âSo, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??â His son replies, âOh THAT⌠Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, âLeave me alone, Iâm married!!â
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.