Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
It’s not really a meme, and not really science, but it deserves to be in here.
https://ift.tt/2t6a9nD
Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
That’s Swede of you
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didn’t peel too well
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.
After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas…
… she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day. Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. She's like most women – loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION – WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
I’m bisexual
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
Got laid off today, boss hadn’t removed me from all chats, so I left on my own terms.
https://ift.tt/2VuzQKk
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
My parents said that if I wanted to go travelling then I’d have to save up. So I’ve been saving up for three years now.
Still can't afford a train ticket.
A farmer has three daughters…
Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand. The first boy showed up: “I’m Eddy, lookin’ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddy’s, is she ready?” The farmer took a good look at the boy, took him as alrighty, and sent the two off. The next boy came by. Again the farmer waited in anticipation. The next boy goes: “Hi I’m Bo, lookin’ for Jo. We’re planning on Moe’s for the picture show, she set to go?” The farmer thought this boy to be alright as well and sent the two off. The farmer waits for the third boy. “Hi I’m Buck-“ Bang the farmer shot him.
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
She got sick of me.
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Genie: you have three wishes
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
