Me at family events without alcohol and surrounded by screaming toddlers
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks
and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied:
“You finally found it, my secret stache”
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'. She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'….. .. 'Yes' she says…… The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window…..
Little did I know the window was rolled down… at least it stopped crying
Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?
Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.
I’m so excited to finally get a dad bod
It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
My neighbor owes me $500 but won’t pay.
Lawyer: Do you have proof? Me: No L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you. M: But it's only $500. L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof.
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.
Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to go”. Excited, the man goes out And buys the best God costume in the country.Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the nun praying.Having recited his lines, he goes to the nun and says, “if you want to go to heaven, we must bang”. To his surprise, the nun agreed and they proceeded to have rough anal sex. After he finished, he threw off his God costume and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The Man from the bus!” The nun threw off its clothes and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The bus driver!”
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
Why can’t you see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.
So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl? EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicament, if I can not spin this straw into gold I shall be hanged tomorrow morning. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles I can help you, but at the cost of part of your name. I will spin the straw to gold, but if I do, I will take a letter from your name; unless, of course, you can guess mine. Edith graciously accepts and watches as Rumpelstiltskin spins all the straw in the room into gold, saving her life. Finally, Rumpelstiltskin gives her one last chance to save her name by guessing his name. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So young girl, what is my name? EDITH: Alas, I know not. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles Then your name is mine! Edith accepts her punishment and is still grateful for the help. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
Ban pre shredded cheese.
Make America grate again!
I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp…
He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world." The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".
Just a normal day in Pakistan
Just a normal day in Pakistan
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.