Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back?
Me: yea, with little heads.
Whats the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" A professional thief says, "Sign here please."
There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn’t stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
“Everything left of Reagan is Communism” – What a magat at work actually told me on Friday.
https://ift.tt/2PNG3Og
I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing . This was horrible lol
Why did no one want to marry the tennis player?
Love meant nothing to him.
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
Itβs called making the little things count.
A cannibal at the office had trouble finding his lunch…
So I offered to lend him a hand
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
Itβs an extremely rare dish order.
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
What should you call an average potato?
A commen-tator!
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily.
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
I’ve been having sex with my boss
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas…
… she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day. Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. She's like most women – loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION – WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
An African woman called Betty came into the restaurant.
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, βno, black Betty Itβs ham or lamb.β