Me attempting to fix a bug by changing random things and not by doing any actual troubleshooting:
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It’s called making the little things count.
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
I used to tell dad jokes.
He's dead now though.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous…
… I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowntain
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
What do you call a dolphin that never ends?
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry…
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
I was disappointed when my son got a job as a scarecrow
But he's outstanding in his field!
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!”
At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired…
They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arms to his tip toes and was rewarded $520,000 for his creativity. The last general asked to be measured from his left testicle to his right testicle. "Are you sure about that?" the other two asked incredulously. "Yea. Last I remember my right one is still in 'Nam."
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
They really should have predicted the fall of Communism sooner.
After all, there were plenty of red flags.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
