Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?
Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.
Me: Yeah, that’s the one.
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
Mud
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When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.
They were real people… I just imagined they were my friends.
I phoned up the wine shop.
I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
In all my years working at the Land Rover factory…
I made several discoveries
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
Your momma’s so fat…
I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.
Fibonacci
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
Dads are just like boomerangs..
.. I hope
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
In a dad-a-base
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
Billy’s mom comes home. “Billy, what’s wrong?” -“Dad hanged himself in the attic!” he said in tears.
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son. As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight in the nose.
Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.