Me going down a research rabbit hole
My grief counselor died recently
Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book … and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis." "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies: "No, Honey, it's because you're twenty-three"
So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter…
When I thought to myself "Man…I'm fucking nuts."
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
Did you know that French Fries don’t originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I can’t afford to pay them.
Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But CATSCAN.
You’re a Wizard, dad!
Emma Watson?
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.
As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier – he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result. One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a beautiful girl. He pulls her from the wreck, gives her food and water, and dresses her wounds. Very grateful, she steps up close and whispers in his ear "I will do anything for you for saving my life, anything. Just name it". "For the love of god, can you hold this camel still"
I saw a fat bird down the pub
And her T-shirt said – Watch out, I'm a maneater! I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan." She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!" I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all." She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?." "That's not how you spell Manatee."
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator
Only a fraction of people will get it
My chameleon won’t change colors anymore…
I think he has a reptile dysfunction.
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
I like my women like I like my coffee.
From a third world country and at a reasonable price.
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared