Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together…
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
I’m so straight, I don’t touch myself when I jerk off.
My buddy Brian does it for me.
My new girlfriend is so needy…
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
How to tell if your rich
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
The King of Spain is now quarantined on his jet
The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
![[META] Boomer comic page my aunt always shares is now just straight up using this subreddit for content](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/u0qxo3esld741-400x376.jpg)
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.
Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
My teenage daughter is really acting odd..
She can’t even
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
Job Interview: “What is your greatest weakness”
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
My doctors name is Peter Parker.
But I just call him Web MD.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
My wife just told me she was pregnant…
True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke: "Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad." Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
¿Que? ¿Como? ¿Porque? ¿Donde?
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
Eventually I folded
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!